Hmm... beeen long that i have not posted here... oh well... i also really dunnoe wat to post... not until some of my fren ask me to update my dearly pitiful blog...
hu hu hu... T_T ... guess my blog is crying since i have long visit it...
=====================================================================
BTW... cut things short... well i just found an interesting to talk abt myself...
hmm... well yeah... guessed from the top... i think u guys shld know that i am in a kind of stress...
Dear is in camp and then i have sch activities to plan... not forgetting this semester... i realli got to score something better... since due to my moving (not realli a good reason though) that i actually scored badly for my semester last year and screwed my GPA badly... bringing me a bad results... didn't tell my dear about it thought... if he founds out... i think he will be upset with me... and i guess he have much other things to upset about that this results shld not affect him much... but more to my own future...
I think so that way too...
====================================================================
But then... just a week ago... smth just came to me... unexpected... unrealised and things that makes me feel very very very... unwell in a way... doubts in a way... sad in a way... and confused in a way...
Haiz... after a very much long time... being with my dear for already a 1 YEAR and 2 Months, going to be out 15th Months soon... and yet this feeling suddenly come back once again...
Hmm........
It is the feeling of unsecurity... *sadded*I just dunnoe how does it comes by and i just dunnoe why am i feeling this way...
====================================================================
Dear just entered the SAF Medical Training Institution (SMTI... guess that is the acronyms)......
I am happy that he can enter there though, at the same time i am quite saddened... cos he would have to be poked (since they got IV test and have to do it 10 successful times in order to graduate... but seems he is enjoying the IV stuff... )
Well on the side note... i am happy of him inside there, as he has been hoping to gain the knowledge on first aid... but seems he got it a higher level... being more like paramedics in the society, but a service medic in the SAF... well that is interesting to hear though....
===================================================================
But what worries me is that when he enters there... things seems to be different than when he enters army the last time....
Okay... so far is that he got no personal time for himself... oh well... he must study and study and study... haiz... i feel pity for him...
everyday i am just waiting for his message and everyday... i just waiting for his calls if it even come....
most of the time he just message me... and i am always be very happy to see his message... way way happy... and to receive a call from him... all the more makes me relieve that he is well himself... and i guess infatuation with love means that by just listening to him talking make me happy... just hearing his voice is more than enough...
Then again... to get the phone call would be rare... since he dun have much personal time... and judging that he really got lots of message incoming every time he switches on his phone... guess he have to reply to all of them(including mine)...
Then all these would means no time of him to call me.... anyways... if i were to expect him to keep calling me... i would also be sad... cos he will be spending much money on phone bills that he have to foot the bill himself... while mine is still being foot by my aunt(haiz... seems i am just a useless and un-independent-able boyfriend of his... i realli do feel sad when i think of it this way... being not able to live up to his expectations... i always sense that failure in me... guess much of my pessimism is from here...)
Then again... last week... when he was to book out on friday... i was actually having event... thinking that he would be booking out early... i was kinda happily messaging him a lot on asking him how is he out... and where is he... i mean not meeting him for a week is quite a strain that i always be patiently waiting for him to come out... eagerly to meet him...
Well i didn't realli get the message for a very very long hours...
so i become very very worried... thinking of what has happened... cos one of my fren who just entered tekong even... was already out with his boyfriend...
So where is mine... I wonder?? what could have happened??? is he being confined??? haiz... that makes me sad... then i just from time to time stares at my handphone aimlessly... hoping to see something that resembles him to actually pop and i will be there to answer...
It was kinda a long wait... but i finally did came...
but then... i guess... i just wasted my energy on some useless emotional worries... which i doesn't need to... *cries*...
====================================================================
Daniel did comes out at last.... he wasn't confined... just came out late... that's all... It was realli a relieve...
Haiz... but then... after reading his message somehow i realli wonder... was my concern for him abit too much that much becomes his stressfulness and also becoming him being upset for me sending too much message....
I just realli wonder... till today... :(
====================================================================
Well saturday... i was hoping that dear could meet me... and was quite expecting his message...
Then again... i somehow felt that i was again upset... cos he was not able to meet me... as he was suppose to meet Colin... haiz.... guess understandable... i will have to patiently wait for him...
But at home... i was actually crying... i was hoping that i could be the one being there for him... just hoping for it... but i guess... i was hoping in vain... :'( The interesting part is that after that actually happens... i went to have a swim straight away... guess
weeping in the pool is a good way to clear most of the sadness and emotional embodiment of mine...
And thereafter i felt better le... that is where when i actually decided to go out with Alvin, Edgar, Jasper and Hazmi to suntec...
That feeling... i guess it is indescribable... listening to some love songs that is contained inside dear's memory card... it is very very nice... and i loved on how the lyrics actually say the stories...
Dear did message me that night saying that he will also be watching movie with Colin and that he could not be meeting me then... Haiz... i would have to wait for Sunday then... fine... i will wait... so long as i can meet dear... i would sacrifice anything... I will just wait patiently till my turn have come and get the chance to meet him...
No matter how much pain i would have to go through... i will wait...
Sadly again... dear did not offer me to watch the movie with him... i was really saddened...
====================================================================
Eventually...I was able to meet dear on sunday... went over to his place... and we went to Northpoint, since he would like to see the proposed development of Yishun...
We ate there too... it was realli nice... :-)
Then i went to his house... to get his heroes.... season 2 de... yeah... was watching it there...
guess he was still quite fatique bah... so after i watched finish... and seeing that he was already on the bed... so i just took my self to sleep beside him and hug him close to me...
Dear then got awake a bit... then we started to talking bout some stuff... and my answer was like "anything lo... up to u... so long u like it that way then can le... i let u decide"...
Then dear just stop suddenly... then say... "hmm... just like wat Colin did mention to me... You are becoming more and more like a robot"...
I was then taken quite aback...
Deep in me then started to cry again... i guess it is realli piercing to hear such things from my own dearest one... but i guess once again... as always... things seems to be true... and then i have the beginning to think that i have become more and more and more and terribly useless and dumb...
But then again... i didn't comment further... and also dunnoe what to comment further on... just take in the opinion he gave me...
====================================================================
When i left dear's house and to head home... then the so called talked "feeling of insecurity" terrifies me....
I dunnoe how but i just did....
====================================================================
This week i have been coming back to home late and been getting nagged by my grandma...
and yesterday morning.... my aunt just gave me a bad reprimanding on how stupid i am to actually accepts my fren paying me in US dollars when the currency exchange just fell again and in a bad state...
Since then... i didn't have much mood to actually have a talk with my aunt... i mean till this moment that i blog... i seriously have not had a good talk with my aunt for a day le... and... i dun think the intention would come anytime soon...
====================================================================
So once again... last evening i went to do much swimming... and yeah again... most of the majorly stressfulness for the week was relieved...
====================================================================
Now then i have come to the conclusion tat to me.... swimming have been the only to actually De-Stressed myself effectively... other than talking things out to many of my frens(which i realli do appreciate all the help listening me to say my problems... greateful to have you guys as a fren... if not i guess i would have gone crazy... :-)
I did upset and cried deep in my heart bout the problem with my aunt and I. but i guess i wouldn't be able to do much to help it recover.
====================================================================
Then last night... i once again heard that dear is being confined...
This time is for sure... and that the confinement would end only on Sunday Morning...
now once again... i am worried for him... and also the "feeling of insecurity" is just growing stronger by a bit more...
Haiz... i just wonder... if things is going to go on like this... how am i going to discuss this with Daniel... if telling him this... i just get him to stress things up and also worried about me... which he already have much burden to carry with him... for army already taking him too much badly...
I just dunnoe how to tell him how my heart is feeling right now... I realli wants to tell him... but how can it be done...
I realli wonders.... :'(
Deep inside me keeps telling me... if i were to tell you this... i guess you will be very very upset... and that if this were to happen... i am very scared... very scared... that you will sever our long relationship...
I am able to wait for you patiently every week... and hoping that you would be there out from camp safety... praying for it in my heart day to day... thinking, imaginating and shaping it out in my castle in the sky on how is your live in the army...
I guess my love for you have much overtaken my soul too heavily...
I guess i am already stupid... and already unable to think much for my own...
I guess... for this moment... i am much of...a disappointment... to you....
I am sorry dear... really very sorry to be feeling this badly down... I hope you could understand... :( ...
I ma not blaming you on this dear... i am more blaming it on myself... so don't take this blame on you at all...
I miss you dear... and this feeling have longed in my heart...
Posts