Well last night... I went over to meet up with friends after a lazy afternoon and a nice swim in the pool...
the thing was that i am suppose to meet them up for dinner... and it ends up with a very late dinner... and we left Serene alone in the house... since she couldn't make it already and she have things to do... =\
after we went to eat... we bought food back for her... while another friend of mine sent the rest of the group back... heh it was nice to meet them though =)
well... went back to the apartment with nothing to do and nothing to expect is seriously very dull... and its also a way that i would get EMOtional again...and starts to think about daniel... so yeah... I was complaining quite a lot that i am so emo... >.< ... heh, feel bad for Serene though that...
Then again... I think she was also emo-ing but she just didn't say it out... turn out, i guess... things haven been going well for her and Jon... I think almost the same problem that I am having now...
Well we talked things out... I guess since me and Jon have the same horoscope(I believe a lot of it... in terms of general characteristic) yeah... so I guess I did give here advise and thoughts of cancerian to her... but yeah... realli hope that they work things out together... since i know cancerians are not those who will give up easily =x unless really no hope liao...
But yeah... looking at their problems... I kept thinking it back over and over again... I am facing the same problem... but I felt this misery that its getting worse... and me being emo is not even getting much better even if i goes to gym and do stuff to keep me busy... talking things out sometimes just make me think that I realli realli am feeling a lot lot more worst...
Heh... thinking that army is dawning on me realli soon enuff... I realli dunnoe how to work things out inside...
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Last night... I imagined myself... thinking that if we continue to stay cold this way... and when I enter army... I guess I would be back to my old real self... being a very cold and quiet person... I have exhausted all my spirits to do anything then... so i guess i just going to stay low and get on and thru with it in the worst feeling ever... and i guess i am EXTREMELY NOT ENJOYING NS!!!
a certain hunch and intuition is telling me that Daniel is going to come back earlier than Christmas... and most probably when I am still in BMT... I realli wonder then... if he would like me to fetch him or not... or if he would not even announce his return, in order to surprise me...
But I guess if he does the latter.... It wouldn't be a surprise... if i was to go for an outing with the rest... and suddenly he pop up... I guess one thing that would happen is ... a burst of anger will grows out of me... and probably i will just crush a drinking glass on my hands if its possible... I guess that's how much energy being stored inside =\ ...
Its not actually about how angry at him... Its just that I am just too happy and too agitated as well as too frustrated over him to the point tat i cannot take such surprises anymore... tat it gives me such energy to burst all my frustration in one point of time...
then i guess... i would just walk out of the restaurant and just goes somewhere quiet to cry it all out... I know that the next time i see him... I will sure going to cry badly and i dunnoe how to hold back anymore... ='( ... seriously this whole emotion thing is taxing... been trying to evade it... been trying to cry it all out... but it just doesn't seems to work...
I want to have a rest from my emotions and spend a good time with him... or expects a better days so much with him... but I realli at wits end on how to work this things out... =( ... Is it time to get myself counsel? somehow I dun appreciate living again at times...
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Oh yeah... I also found out one thing... but Daniel is also going on a road trip this coming September's mid-sem break... I actually thought of going over to meet him for the last time before i am going to be dreaded for NS... but he realli wasn't very keen on me going over... his reasons: Becos he probably would be too busy with his reports and experiments that he would have to little time to entertain me, so it would be better that I would not go... and the other negative side of me is guessing out that he is not comfortable to have me there cos all his room-mate is straight... so... since he is discreet... he wouldn't want me over at all... But seriously now that I look at the calendar... and see that he is going on a road trip... I am seriously upset also... cos If he has this in mind... means he is seriously very free to be able to go on such a long trip... seriously... I tried driving in Aussie before and long journey is extremely exhausting... so you must be very energize to go for such a road trip...
I am not going to complain to him about it also... since its realli a fun that he likes to do... becos i also cannot change his mind... if i goes over then and he gives me those unhappy face that I am there... I am just wasting money and I am not going to enjoy myself... But realli to think of him this way... makes me feel how true that he doesn't takes me seriously as a boyfriend... I am just like being played around... now that he doesn't need me... he prolly just going to put me aside... =\ ... sorry but just that whenever things like this happens my negative side just takes over me alot... although as much time that I want to survive in at this point... I realli dunnoe how to do it...
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Anyway another point that I got to find out is... Serene finds Jon quite obsessed with her in the relationship.... Daniel as well finds me quite obsessed in the relationship... But is it wrong to be obsessed with someone you love? but anyway... I dun think i am obsessed is just that I REALLI LIKE being around the people I love... and I DO want to care for him... so most of the time i would like to think of him (especially at these times where we can't even meet each other)... is it wrong to do so? why can't people just appreciate the way we as their love partners feels and cares for them?
Seriously, I think I am just going to ask around about my other friends partner... If they find cancerian as partner being too obsessed with them? O.o
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I guess to end off today's NEGATIVEs ranting... I would just say that if realli one day... If happens that I cannot handle things anymore... from this relationship, from family.... I guess I prolly will think of ways to end off my life =) ... all these while... I guess I have already achieved what I want in my life...and dun expect more... and all these while i have never thoughts that my life would be long(instead I did want to kill myself when i was young)... since young many things have happened in the family... I have had enough of them... and I tot my love life would makes things better... but i guess if its going for the worst... I have no thoughts of going anymore further in life... >:-(
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